AMY: Look at these innocent, furry miracles.
Right now, real animals are being neglected by me.
Hi. I'm Amy Schumer.
And these are the dozens of animals
I never should have adopted.
Nobody's fault.
Long story short, I'm now legally considered a hoarder.
I mean, what do you expect?
I mean, they're cute as shit.
Fuck. Like, what is this thing?
Like, what are you, an Act One Gremlin?
You are a burden.
That's where you come in.
Call the number on your screen right now
and just take a few of these things off my hands.
Like Walter, who only is nice to you when he needs something.
Nobody walks me, Walt.
This one I call Bait and Switch
'cause he used to be real cute and then he got bigger.
Not a Laugher.
Competitive Narcissist.
And let's just say this one,
she doesn't have a warrior spirit.
Not Supportive.
Mama's Boy.
Spencer's actually cool.
- He found my phone. - [Whining]
I honestly don't want to have this conversation
with you right now,
but I will in front of everybody.
Jew.
Fat But Owns It.
And Mrs. Wong is glib.
Time is running out.
My sister just spent her student loan check
on an all-inclusive trip for the two of us
to go to Turks and Caicos.
The excursions are not included.
And once I'm on that plane,
the last thing I want to be worried about
is this dog's water bowl or this turtle's survival.
Russell!
Get away from your sister.
Russell, you know you're not allowed near her!
If you call in the next 10 minutes,
you'll receive this free T-shirt.
Okay?
10 minutes.
You're so fuckin' cute.
I want more of you!
But I don't.
Ripped By mstoll
For, like, 10 years, I've been on the road,
just staying at the grossest places.
Like, not even a Comfort Inn.
Like, I can't even see a Comfort Inn
from where I'm standing.
It's like a Comfort Western. You know?
Just some like off-brand place where the sheets, like, hurt.
There's, like, a four-thread count.
It's B YO towels, just...
They're like, "Sorry, you should have called ahead."
You're just, like, shaking in the shower.
ANNOUNCER: 75% of Americans believe
there are events that cannot be explained.
Over half of them are celebrities.
Noises, shapes, shadows.
Hello?
Weird dolls, ghost hands.
Uh-oh.
Bye!
As a celebrity, I'm not superstitious,
but I do assume
that everything I don't understand is black magic.
This was the first vacation I booked since I got famous,
so I wanted to treat myself to a fancy hotel.
[Bell chimes]
[Laughing]
Just having a bit of fun.
In the past, I've always stayed at motels
where the door to my room opens directly to the parking lot,
which is cool 'cause you can check on your car.
But this time, I was looking forward
to being treated better than other people.
I don't have to tip 'cause I have this. Bye.
Yes.
The first night, I met a really chill couple from the Keys,
who, like me, were down for whatever.
We should go have sex with each other.
Then, at the last minute, they had a change of heart.
No hard feelings.
And if they change their mind, like, they know where I am.
In the morning, I woke up to a strange sound.
It was like...
[Knocking]
[Knock on door]
It was like a door noise but on the other side...
of the door.
What?
When I opened the door,
a "USA Today" had appeared on the floor.
So I was like, um, "Okay, that's weird."
Like, now it's weird.
I was bugging out.
So I went into town to do a Segway tour
and score some Caribbean Adderall.
When I get back,
the first thing I notice is that my towel
has been transformed into a swan.
And then I see that on top of my pillow
is an even tinier pillow made entirely of chocolate.
And now I know there's a ghost.
I know.
I tested my ghost theory by dumping out all of the shampoo
and drinking all of the bottles from the mini bar.
I remember thinking, like,
"Let's see a ghost deal with this."
But then I bounced out
and I ran into the guy
who had sold me a shark tooth necklace.
And just crashed at his place.
It was cool. He had a snake.
When I got back, I was almost too scared to open the door.
All the bottles were full again,
and the room was spotless.
I just broke down.
I called my personal life coach and psychic, Cheyakee.
There's a fucking swan here!
I've known Amy for 12 weeks,
and if she says she saw a ghost
and agrees to fly me down business class,
then guess what... she saw a ghost.
I know you're right, but it's just...
- [Knocking] - Shh!
That's the door noise I told you about.
WOMAN: Mrs. Schumer!
What do you want with us, spirit?
WOMAN: Hello, housekeeping.
You're not welcome here!
WOMAN: Okay, thank you. I come back.
[Screaming]
AMY: I checked out that day.
I guess there are more forces out there than meets the eye.
And sometimes,
those forces bring us swan towels.
MAN: She's beautiful.
She's smart.
She's sophisticated.
WOMAN: Sophisticated.
MAN: She's your best friend.
WOMAN: Best friend.
MAN: You can't picture your life without her.
Or can you?
A little bit. Sometimes.
WOMAN: Occasionally.
MAN: Give her the gift that keeps on giving...
you more time.
WOMAN: Time.
MAN: We're proud to introduce our Stolen Years collection.
Because you're not sure and you probably never will be.
WOMAN: Stolen Years.
MAN: A line of jewelry as gorgeous as her
and as non-committal as you.
WOMAN: Who's that new chick in marketing?
MAN: Stolen Years marks the precious days and months
you're taking from her
as you carelessly diddle time away,
trying to figure out if she's the best you can do.
The Stolen Years collection.
Give her the gift that says forever.
I will keep you waiting for-fucking-ever.
WOMAN: Forever.
How did you propose?
Hired a limo, picked her up, took her down to the river,
and dropped to a knee.
That's perfect, 'cause if she said no,
you could have just dumped her body in there.
That's true.
What made you decide you wanted to get married... propose?
My grandpa died. I was pretty down about it
because I was close to my grandpa.
I recognized that if she was going to stick by me
for that and be supportive
that's someone I wanted to be around
for the rest of my life.
Yeah. Did you ever think that maybe she knew that
and she killed your grandpa?
Should anyone here know of any reason that this couple
should not be joined in Holy Matrimony,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
Really?
Nobody's gonna object?
We're all just gonna let this happen?
What is the objection?
I didn't want to be a hero, but you know what?
My ankle tattoo says "Carpe Diem."
Seize the carp.
So, fine.
Stop the wedding.
Amy, what the fuck?
What the fuck you, Sasha.
I'm gonna say it.
What are you talking about?
I was outside, bumming a smoke yesterday,
after the free rehearsal dinner.
Thank you guys so much for that.
And I'm outside and I remember
that I overheard something interesting
that one of your bridesmaids told me.
Who? Which bridesmaid?
Okay, which one did I talk to yesterday?
Okay.
You asked me to help you find your car.
I said you shouldn't be driving because you seemed drunk.
No. Before that. Before that, wiseass.
What... No, what did you say?
You told me something really revealing about Chris.
Right?
What's your name?
Pam.
That's not it.
No. Sit down.
Right down.
Do not sit down.
AMY: Sit down, Pam.
- Don't sit down, Pam. - AMY: Sit down, Pam!
There's an elephant in the room, y'all, and it stanks!
Everybody wants you to stop.
You do, Chris.
But this side of the room has my back and so do other people.
I'm looking at you, Janine.
She told me also.
What are you talking about?
Grow up!
Janine gave me a piece of gum earlier.
She also dished some dirt, too.
Are you done?
Are you done lying, Chris?
Don't forget, you hooked up with me in college.
That was me.
You're also a piece of shit.
No, I'm not.
Fair enough.
Only time will tell.
But for now, cat's out of the bag.
[Meows]
Wake up. Wake up, San Francisco.
- What is she talking about? - I don't know.
I believe the answer to all your questions is right here.
I think I had written something down earlier about this.
Oh, I have gum.
Do you want this? You don't care.
Is there something you need to tell me?
Of course not, babe.
Okay. Are you sure?
Okay, fine.
I'm gay. I fuck dudes.
That was it.
What could you have found out about your wife last-minute
that would have made you stop the wedding?
Maybe if a guy screamed out, "She's sucking my cock!"
- Before she walked down? - Before she walked down.
"She just sucked my cock!"
That would maybe be something that would stop the wedding.
But it's like all those people are already there.
You know, they traveled.
Yeah. And she's probably just nervous.
Like, when I'm nervous, I just like suck dicks.
- I'm just like, "Oh, my God!" - Understandable.
- You look nervous now. - [Laughs]
You ever go to a wedding
and you just, like, were looking around the room
and you were like, "Someone please 'Homeland' this place?
I'll die with the rest of the team.
These people need to go down"?
Uh.
Ish. Ish.
NARRATOR: Amy, a high-school graduate,
is ready to change her relationship status
with her boyfriend, Nick.
Hello, gorgeous. Are you my breakup girl?
Yes. Hi.
Hi. Come here.
Nick and I have been dating for 21/2 years.
Nick is, like, such a great guy,
but I just know in my heart
that I'm ready for something taller.
So let's talk general concept.
Have we given any thought to whether you want it to be
a slow realization or a devastating blind side?
Um, I guess blind side feels more me.
You know what?
I knew you were going to say that.
- I just get you. - You do.
Let's look at some venues. Come on.
You know what?
I have an idea, Amy. Let me tell you.
What do you think about tapas?
I love the small plates idea.
I think it's a great fit for you, Amy.
You know, it's low commitment,
you can leave
after the bacon-wrapped figs if you want,
or if he's crying, you can stay for the croquetas.
Ooh, I love croquetas!
Then we're gonna have to make him cry.
You're such a natural. Have you done this before?
No. No.
Everyone always breaks up with me.
Mom, 1 to 10?
Mom.
When I divorced your father,
I wore something more traditional.
This is my day!
Oh, sweetie.
No, you stop it. You're ruining this!
[Sighs]
Mom, can I talk to you for a second?
[Crying] Why are you being mean?
That looks...
great!
JEREMY: We have the dress!
AMY: I watched my friends do this over and over again,
and now it's my turn.
Blessed.
Hey.
Why are all these cameras here?
Nick...
the times we shared can never be taken away from us.
What are you guys shooting?
But all things must run their course,
and in due time, even everything ends.
So, Nick, today, I'd like to tell you
that I am breaking up with you.
Go for Eduardo and Pilar.
Wait, what?
We have tears. Go for croquetas.
[Singing in Spanish]
Why the fuck is he singing? No, I'm sorry. No.
These are from Spain.
[Groaning]
Sweetie, I'm sorry. No singing, okay?
Lo slento.
But if I want to hear you sing,
I will put a dollar in your fucking sombrero.
This is not the fucking "Voice."
Do I look like I'm in a spinny chair?
Please just follow instructions. I have 200 of you.
I don't even know what to say right now.
I'm like totally blindsided.
What is this?
Oh, you're giving me my stuff back in a gift bag?
Hey, fuck you, Amy!
Oh, my God!
Sweetie, you were amazing!
You did it, girl!
We did it.
It couldn't have been more perfect.
It was truly the breakup of my dreams
and the best part...
Now I have a new gay best friend.
Oh, I'm not gay.
I'm gonna fuck her.
What's the worst way you've ever been broken up with?
Well, it was like when I was younger.
Basically, she slept with, like, a bunch of my friends
and then dumped me.
It was pretty horrible.
Okay, break up with me.
All right.
Hey, I can't wait for you to meet my mom this weekend.
Yeah. Well, I've been thinking.
I fucked all your friends.
[Laughing]
How do you get over an ex? What do you do?
I sleep with someone, and then I regret it.
No, you distract yourself.
You eat, pray, eat.
That's what I do.
So, Downing, you are 106 years old.
I am.
What's your favorite part about being 100?
No condoms, right?
Well, I'm thankful for every day when you're 100,
'cause you know the end is near.
You know that.
I don't know.
- I don't know, Downing. - You don't know it, but I do.
I think you're going to outlive everybody here.
Are you on Twitter?
No. No, I don't know any of the new things.
I have very poor vision, and my hearing is off.
Are your other senses heightened?
Like, can you smell
that our sound guy smoked weed this morning?
Oh, heavens, no.
Okay, cool.
You went to Towson.
DOWNING: I graduated in 1931.
Took a little business course.
That's where I went, too.
I went to the same college as you.
- I'm so pleased to hear that. - AMY: Yeah.
I went to Towson because when I visited,
I won a drinking contest.
Oh, wonderful.
Yeah, I love Baltimore,
but it definitely has its dangerous parts.
Did you ever watch the show "The Wire"?
Don't know enough about it, darling.
AMY: Okay.
Are you still a Baltimore girl?
I live in the Baltimore area.
I live in the Towson area in a retirement home.
Do you know anybody maybe at the home you can set me up?
Any eligible bachelors?
Did you ever get into a fistfight?
- No, ma'am. - Yeah, me neither.
Never had a fistfight.
Well, be careful. This neighborhood isn't so good.
DOWNING: No.
What was the Great Depression like?
What do you remember of the Great Depression?
We were very, very careful about our food.
We would make a can of salmon last for two nights.
Wow.
DOWNING: And we liked it, you know?
We were saving.
That's how Comedy Central wishes I ate.
[Laughing]
Right.
What are the changes you've seen for women with how they look?
Well, everybody's wearing pants.
And I...
Thank God.
I got into the first pair of pants in World War II
and I thought we would never take them on as the usual garb,
but we have.
AMY: Yeah.
You think it's strange
that women wear their hair, like, long now?
I think the style now is pretty,
however, I wonder who decrees
that it is now straight if you're 50 and younger.
Yeah.
I would think that the beauty operators
would want you to keep your hair curled.
What about how people have changed
how they feel about different races?
- About racism? - Yeah, racism.
I have learned over the years
to have some of my very good friends to be, uh...
[Inhales sharply]
Black.
Okay.
That's not the word, but anyway.
No, that's the word. That's fine. That's fine.
What did you used to worry about
that you don't concern yourself with anymore?
I would worry over people over drinking.
I lived during the Prohibition years, you know?
Yeah.
And some of the young people, they would overindulge
and I would be very concerned.
You would have been very concerned about me.
- About you, honey? - AMY: Uh-huh.
I can't... No kidding?
You were one?
Oh, you're crazy.
I can't believe it.
I could have used a friend like you.
[Laughing]
What's the craziest thing you ever witnessed
in your whole life?
Honey.
I don't think I can answer that.
I'm not racist. I don't know if you guys are.
I'm, like, totally... I'm totally not.
My grandpa is, though.
I have such a racist grandpa.
Do you guys have them?
You must. Everybody does, right?
He's so sweet, but then he'll just say something like...
We went to lunch the other day. We get out of his car,
and a black guy crosses the street in front of the car.
And he goes, "Oh, that reminds me."
Boop, boop.
I'm like, "No."
Like, "Grandpa, that can't be the joke anymore."
That was, like, the joke when you were younger.
"Like, oh, watch out, black people.
Like, hold on to your shit."
No.
Like, that's the joke? That black people steal shit?
Like, white people, we stole black people.
Um...
Like, I love "Sex and the City"
and, like, the Mario Cantone role.
I know Mario. He's a close, personal friend.
Yeah, I did his breakup.
- No. - I did.
AMY: Who was he dating?
Um, Mayim Bialik.
He's straight.
Okay, who was I telling about my hookup last night?
You know the morning he had.
Hey.
Things are so cute over here.
Like, they're sleeping on each other.
Like, hugging.
Ripped By mstoll